and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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