I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
