I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
