I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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