Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
