He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Randomize
