apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
