I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The uberlube is also flammable
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
