everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
