Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
