cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
