You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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