Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
