I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
