Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
