Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
