Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You ruined the universe
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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