I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
In other news, I just burned my penis
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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