My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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