can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
