either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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