you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize