i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
