I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
