it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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