life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
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If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
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Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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