Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
