Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
