You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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