i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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