I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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