I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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