Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.