i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
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she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
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Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes