well he's currently spooning the coffee table
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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