Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
