Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
