I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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