a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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