So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
