Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
