Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
