I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
