watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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