Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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