I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
