I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
