fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
