I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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