If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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