I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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