Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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