I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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