I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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