any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
