hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We are all done wearing pants today
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
